Kalm: A Place for Boinkin' and Cursin'
by A.V. Unit
Summary: What happened after meteor went bye-bye? Everyone moved to Kalm to settle down, but things just keep getting weirder. Chapter three is done and down...longer than the other ones though
1. Prologue: Years After Meteor

Disclaimer-that-no-one-could-give-less-of-a-damn-about: Sadly, none of the characters in Final Fantasy 7 are owned by me...well...maybe thats a good thing in retrospect...yeah...but anyway, sue me if you please...I need a little excitement in my life....Erm...anyway...I'll start now.  
  
  
  
A few years had passed since the whole meteor fiasco, and Sephiroth was still dead, even though a multitude of people could swear they saw him hanging around places...but more than often it just turned out to be Sisqo, trying to screw around with people's mind. And, yes, Aeris was still dead...but her evil clone Aerith was on a rampage, killing off random crack whores she saw in the street. Cloud, and the other ones who were still alive had moved to Kalm, since Midgar was...y'know...growing plants out of its walls, that were rumored to be the source of three different types of herpes...so people tended to stray away from Midgar now.   
Besides...Kalm just seemed so much more...calm...then again, Cloud did have the Villa in Costa De Sol, but he tried to stay away from there too, since he thought it smelled slightly of ass. So Kalm was the place where the remaining members of the old team stayed. Vincent had been forced, much to his disgust, to share a small house with that hyperactive, annoying bitch Yuffie...actually, it was Barret and Cid's idea of a joke, making sure that the one who was always quite and distant (Vincent...duh), would be stuck with the exact opposite, a chick who was always too damn enthusiastic about stuff.  
Barret and Cid had decided to rent a place together, mostly because no one wanted to stay with either of them becuase of the excessive use of slang and swears...but put them together, it was like they were brothers, except for the part about Cid being white and Barret being black...but other than that, they seemed like brothers...yeah...  
Cait Sith and Red XIII were living together too, but this freaked out Red XIII more than it did Cait Sith...actually, Cait Sith didn't even have a problem with the arrangement...but Red sat there, looking at that stupid stuffed cat, wondering why Reeve was still using that damned thing...they all knew it was him...kinda stupid really...to be using something to hide your identity even though everyone knows it's you...or maybe he just didn't wanna get his ass kicked? Who knows?  
And finally, Cloud and Tifa were now living together, boinkin' (yes...boinkin') whenever the bar was closed....Oh, yeah...since Tifa's old bar had been, kinda...y'know...crushed, she needed a new way to make money, since the current amount of gil they had was depleting more quickly than usual...yeah...it was mostly Cloud's fault, since he had recently found a new interest buying hentai books and movies to watch when him and Tifa weren't...ahem..."boinkin' 'til the sun came up." So, yet again, instead of falling ass backwards into money, they now had to work for it once again, and since Tifa had hired people to work at night so she could...erm...well...y'know...ANYWAY, these weren't exactly people who'd work for free, namely Yuffie, and Cid. She had to pay them a fair amount too...cause getting sued sucks....  
So, here they all were...the ones that were alove, that is. The ones who were dead were...still...dead...thats usually the way things work out when you die. Anywho, it was fun...all the boinkin' and cursin'...but I mean, they were Cloud and Co. It wouldn't really normal for them to attract trouble of some sorts...(plus...it wouldn't make that good of a story).   
So...yeah...ya know... 


	2. Chapter 1: Everyday Lives

Harry Potter awoke one day in his room at the Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, only to find his roommates dead in a pool of their ow blood, the bodies severely sliced and ga--...er...oops...wrong story...heh-heh...  
  
  
"Ahhh...what a beautiful da--...aw, to fuck with this...its been a horrible day so far," Cid muttered as he strolled around calm, trying to find something to occupy his time with. It was already two o'clock and he didn't have shit to do. Wight a sigh, he decided that trying to find something fun to do was harder than trying to get Vincent to wear pink and white. So, he began to walk back to the house, glancing at the other moro--...erm..."people" who were walking around town, either going into shops to buy things, or just admiring the day.   
Before long, though, Cid was back at the house, only to find that Barret had gone, and Cid had the house all to himself...fat load of good this did for Cid, since the interent was down and he had to sell his porno's to pay the rent a few weeks ago...so anything sexual related was a no-go. "...shit," was the only things Cid said before going to his room, figuring he'd go to sleep since he couldn't...erm..."get any".   
  
  
"Aw, c'mon, Vincey! Lets's go somewhere and do something! Being stuck inside all day sucks!," screamed Yuffie, trying to convince Vincent to leave the house with her and go somewhere...he always just stayed inside, or hung around at the bar.  
"...why should I? What do I get out of it?...and don't call me 'Vincey' if you like your face the way it is," Vincent said, not even looking at her, his eyes focused on the page of the book he was reading, "100 And More Ways To Torute Annoying Bitches".  
"Aw...c'mon! You need to get out of the house once in a while. I don't know how you can stand being stuck inside all day when I'm always telling how fun it is out there! C'mon!," Yuffie pleaded, not feeling like going out of the house alone again...she was tired of hearing people say things like, "For some reason, I'm not surprised to see someone like her alone".  
"I'm able to stay inside all day because you're out there all day...I'd prefer to be alone, thank you very much," Vincent said, still not looking up from his book, reading the page explaining the best way to use hot wax for pain. It was a really interesting book...  
"Grrr...fine then, you insensitive prick!" she yelled, not caring for being nice anymore. "Just stay here and fucking rot for all I care!"  
"Thank you...you're dismissed," he said, waving his hand in a dissmissing manor, still keeping his eyes on the book.  
Not able to hold it back any longer, Yuffie, in a sudden burst of bravery (or probably stupidity) bitch-slapped Vincent across the cheek, before walking out the front door and slamming it behind her, her hands balled into fists that were shaking with rage.  
His head snapped up from the book as he heard her slam the door, his cheek reddening slightly where she had slapped, even though it hadn't hurt like she meant for it to. He should have expected a response like this, but he was still surprised about it. With a low growl and sneer, he lowered his head once again, now past the page about hot wax, and reading about dipping annoying bithces in hot oil, and a small grin spreading across his lips.  
  
  
Red XIII sat in front of Tifa's new bar, the "Final Heaven" staring up at the doors, trying to figure out how to get inside when he didn't have hands, but paws. "Um...damn...," he said as he looked from side-to-side, seeing if anyone was coming to the bar, then he'd just walk in with him, but saw no one. It was more complicated than it seemed...he could reach the door knob, of course, but he just couldn't turn it, due to the paws...life's a bitch, eh? So, he just sat there, waiting for either someone to come out, or for someone to go in.  
  
  
Barret slammed his fist down onto the bar again, trying get Tifa's attention for the 15th time. He'd been there for too long, and still hadn't been given his damn drink, and he needed to get drunk. "Yo, ho, what da hell is yo problim?" he asked Tifa as she finally came over to him with his beer.  
"Barret, what do you mean?" she said, her eyes narrowing dangerously as she handed him the glass. She didn't feel like taking any shit today since Yuffie still hadn't shown up to work, and the bar was packed almost full with drunks. Tifa didn't really like taking orders from guys who ordered things like, "Your tits and a side of that ass". And besides, she was only really suppsoed to work behind the counter, it was Yuffie's job to walk around at take orders.  
"Yo biotch, don't be gettin' no attude wit dis here black man," Barret said, but recoling slightly under her gaze. Barret knew just what kinda attitude Tifa would get if someone bossed her around, but still...when a black man wants a drink, you don't ignore him.  
"What did you say Barret?" Tifa said, her eyes glinting frighteningly.  
"Uh...nuttin'...I dint say nuttin'...," he said, lowering his head and backing the stool away from her slightly.  
"Thats what I thought," Tifa said, leaving him and going to the other end of the bar to take orders from a pair of guys who had been waiting as well.  
With a sigh, Barret lifted the glass to his lips, and chugged down half of it in one gulp, making a mental note to try to be "mo' frienly wen dat ho is pissed".  
  
  
In the floor above the "Final Heaven", away from the hustle and bustle, Cloud was sound asleep on the bed he shared with Tifa, dreaming about lollipops, gummi bears, and Tifa's boobs...ah...what shweet dreams.  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 2: Lust and Torture

"Ahhh...Tifa, you get better and better everytime. How do you do that thing with your tongue?" Cloud asked as lay in bed next to Tifa, both of them naked, and both of them sweating slightly from the...erm..."activities" they participated in, and finished just moments ago.   
"Hehe, we're all entitled to our own little secrets," Tifa said with a slight giggle, remembering the hours upon hours she spent with her mother, studying the best to stimulate a man, and how to...to...um...my bad...back to the story at hand.   
"Heh...wow...just...wow...," Cloud said, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. It was truly amazing what Tifa had done...but I'm not going into detail. Cloud still couldn't believe she was able to such a thing...even after all the times she had when they started sleeping together, it just never got old.   
"Hey Tifa...let's do it again!" said Cloud, mentally wondering if he was being "subtle".  
Tifa just laughed at Cloud and gently rubbed his...arm (perverts), standing up as she did so. "I've got to go check on the bar", she said as she stood.  
"Aw...c'mon...just really quick!" Cloud said, sounding too much like and excited child.  
"I need to go, Cloud. Yuffie and Cid are working tonight," Tifa said, wondering if Cloud knew just how much of a bad mistake she had made by leaving those two working the bar alone, while she and Cloud were up there fu--...erm...duscussing ways to make more money...yeah...  
"Oh...well...I can why that we be more important," he said, letting go of her arm, and dropping back onto the bed, but added in a quick, seductive tone, "I'll be waiting for you, then.  
"Oooh...I'll be counting on it," Tifa said, in the same seducing tone as she pulled on her tank top and mini-skirt (™). And after giving Cloud a quick kiss on the cheek, she went over to the door to their home, opened it, and darted out and downstairs, silently wondering if Cid or Yuffie had the common sense not to talk back to the customers...but then remembered that it was Cid and Yuffie, and found the energy to move faster.  
  
  
"HEY! GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY ASS!" Yufie screamed, trying to be heard above the loud patrons off the bar. It was quite a lively night...most likely because a few hookers had slipped in....Hookers were never allowed in by Tifa, but Yuffie and Cid were...well...Yuffie and Cid.  
"...sorry" muttered Cid, pulling his hand away from Yuffie's rear end. Damn...for such a bitch...I gotta admit that's a nice feeling ass thought Cid as he stepped away from Yuffie to give the bottle of bourbon he was holding to a table of customers. A few of them snickered at whispered to each other as Cid left the table, no doubt talking about how he had wussed out.  
Walking around a little more, taking orders from customers who waved him down, Cid noticed that, for some reason, Red XIII was sitting otuside of the bar, and since it was raining, Cid thought that this was extremely odd. So, after taking one more order from a plump woman and a mad who looked like he was only being fed scraps that woman might have left from meals, he walked over to the front doors, and pushed them open, the sound of the heavy rainfall louder since the doors were opened, and since he was right next to them. "Hey, Red? Why the fuck you sittin' in the r--" Cid said, but was cut short as Red XIII darted inside the bar, slamming the door into Cid who was standing behind them, his head poked out slightly so he was able to talk to Red. "FUCK!" he yelled as he was squashed behind the door, his head still poking out from the side.   
"Whooooo...! Thanks Cid! I've been standing out there for almost two hours, and no one would open the door for me! Hmph...some pleasant people living in this town, eh?" Red said, shaking off some of the water that was soaking him, drenching everyone within ten feet of him. He looked like he had been standing out in the rain for laong time. He was still dripping wet, even after he tried to shake it off. His whiskers drooped as well from the excess water.  
Cid wasn't able to say anything in response to this, since he was in a considerable amount of pain...y'know...with the whole door being slammed into him thing. After he recovered, he walked with Red to the bar, and, with some difficulty, helped him into a stool, his front paws hanging oddly in front of him. "Red, why were you just waiting out there?" Cid said.  
"Well, I woulda just opened the doors, and walked in, y'know. But since I have no thumbs, it would be kinda hard," Red said, pulling up a paw to show Cid the absense of thumb, but when he lifted his paw, he slipped off the stool and landed rathr hardly onto the ground, letting out a yelp of pain. "OW! Damn, this floor's hard!" Red said, trying to rub at a bruise that was forming on his back, but since his legs just didn't bet that way, he gave up.  
"...maybe you should just find a booth to sit in?" Cid suggested, looking over the bar at the falled Red, who nodded his head in agreement, before moving away to one of the sides of the bar, and sitting at one the empty booths, stretching out and laying down.  
"Oi vei...hold up...since when am I Jewish?" Cid wondered as he moved out from behind the bar and began to take orders omce again.  
  
  
  
Ever since Cid had smacked Yuffie's ass, she was in a considerably bad mood, and tried to avoid him at all costs, not wanting to feel his hand "slip" and find it's way to her bottom again. She just continued to roam around the bar, asking the patrons if everything was in order. Here and there, though, she noticed that not everything was okay.   
Red XIII had entered the bar, and when she noticed him stretched out on one of the booths in the bar, she had felt the temperature in her cheeks rise slightly. She and Red seemed to be on an unspoken agreement about not discussing that wonderful night of love they shared between them, but eveytime she saw the dog-like animal, her thoughts traveled back to that lone night in Cosmo Canyon...they way his hot breath felt against her skin...the way his body felt on top of hers...er...wait a second...um...what was I talking about?  
...OH! YEAH! She forced these thoughts aside as she moved around the bar, now trying to avoid Red XIII as well...in fact, she had her mind so set on avoiding them, she wasn't paying attention to the person in front of her, until she bumped into her, both of them stumbling back slightly, but Yuffie almost immeadiately knew who it was...no woman had knockers like that.  
"Hi Tifa," Yuffie said, straightening herself out after she recovered from the stumble, and saw Tifa doing the same.   
"Hello Yuffie!" Tifa said, sounding a little more cheerier than usual, even though they had both slammed into one another...but Yuffie kinda had the feeling why Tifa sounded so happy...since she was more than likely bangin' Cloud a few minutes ago. "Just wanted to make sure that you had everything under control," Tifa said, her voice almost as annoyingly excited as Yuffie's usualy was.  
"Everything's under control here...nothing out of order," Yuffie said, ondding her head as she finished. Well...everything's under control except Cid...damn horny bastard Yufie thought, alloweing her self a quick glance around, to make sure Cid wasn't anywhere near her...she just despised him at the momenty...but it was some of Vincent's fault too...I can't believe how much of a dick that guy was...grrr... Yuffie thought again, her memories of the way Vincent's had acted earlier, and ever since she had met him, had made her snap for some reason.  
"Well, that good to hear!" Tifa said, her smile broadening. "Well, guess I'll get back upstairs, so much fu--...er..."filing" to do...yeah...well...if anything goes wrong, just come upstairs, but remember...knock first!" Tifa said, a slight edge to her voice crept in at the last two words, and then she bolted upstairs.   
"Ugh...sick...," Yuffie thought, a slight sneer forming on her face as she let out a sigh and began to roam around once more, taking more orders from the occupants of the bar.  
  
  
  
"...hmm...that book will come in handy...hopefully," Vincent muttered as he tossed the book, "100 And More Ways To Torture Annoying Bitches", onto the table. He'd been reading that book ever since that morning, and was still reading it even as Yuffie snapped and slapped him across the face. It was actually the book that made him not jump out of the chair and run after, just to shoot her between the eyes...nope...the thought of the book was too alluring. Within the pages of that book were better answers to that dilemma...answers that might not result in Yuffie's death, but answers that would result in her screaming in pain....  
Giving his head a slight smack, Vincent returned to reality, at the task at hand. Yuffie'll be home in a few hours...I should get things ready now thought Vincent thought as walked around the house, wondering if they're would be anything here that would help torture that stupid little bitch, until she was begging for mercy, screaming in pain....Hitting himself once again, Vincent tried to fouces on finding things around the house.   
Here and there, he'd find something that could help. A bottle of oil in the kitchen...but not enough to burn her all over. A lot of batteries...Vincent didn't want to know why Yuffie kept so many batteries, but had the sudden memory of a night when he heard a loud vinrating sound coming from Yuffie's room, and small whimpers along with it. Shutting out THOSE thoughts, he continued to look, finally finding only two things that would be considered torture material: A pair of handcuffs, and a Yoko Ono album. Now, even Vincent had a heart, so he put the Yoko Ono album in the trash, figuring that no human needed to be tortured like that.   
With a smirk, Vincent grabbed the handcuffs and brought them into the living room and laying them upon the table. Figuring that he might as well find something to do while Yuffie was still gone, Vincent went into the kitchen to get a drink...only water, since Vincent didn't drink much, if any, alcoholic beverages. Grabbing a glass and filling it with water, he brought it back to the living room, taking a sip as he sat down in the chair he'd sat in while reading the book. With a grin and sigh, he looked at the clock on the wall, silently wishing that Yuffie was getting home much, much earlier. 


End file.
